I know it must be weird that I’m writing to you right now. I had to. I know the idea of approval from others is something that is experienced by all. I would like to believe that even Beyoncé feels this pressure of acceptance and belonging at least once in a while, right? However, sometimes to gain acceptance we risk our happiness. So tell me, why do you put me on the line when I am meant to be yours? I belong to you, yet you choose to put me away for insignificant approval from others?
Have you ever heard the saying “guard your heart”? This isn’t meant to say don’t allow any person into your heart or become a heartless human being because empathy is why we are human. It simply means watch what you allow into your heart and what you allow out of it. I have watched you grow and each year you become this beautiful, unique person that you’re too shy to show. Your likes and dislikes are yours. Your choices are yours.
Yet why do you succumb to boxes when you were born to live outside the box?
You could barely spend more than 9 months inside a sack, so why would you allow yourself to spend your whole life confined to “what you’re told to be like”? I am not saying that it isn’t hard! I have watched you push me into the dark whilst you live in the light. The person I know you are and the person your are pretending to be contradict each other; causing cataclysmic chaos that only you experience. A tempest within your heart, occasionally allowing waves to wash onto your cheeks. I know that you try. I know you try to hide the sadness in your eyes as the lies come spilling out of your mouth like the tears on your pillow when no-one else is looking. When it’s dark, like your heart. It doesn’t matter if you’re starting high-school or going on seven years at your work place, I know you feel this nimbus cloud ready to rain on us. But the difference between those that are happy and those that are accepted is choice. You choose to follow the crowd or you choose to make your own path. As long as it isn’t harming anyone, then why not? Why not wear that dress you bought three years ago but keep locked up? Why not go to that open mic gig and perform? Why not leave those people that are hurting you? Why do you care so much? I am here to make you smile, so isn’t it me you should be trying to please?
Isn’t it me? For I am you! Ever since you stopped focusing on what makes you euphoric and started focusing on what makes them satisfied, you forgot about me…about us. There needs to be this burning fire of self desire ignited in your heart. A flame, that dares to burn those that touch you the wrong way. A passion, deep down inside to see the person in the mirror actually smile as often as they pretend to. An unexplainable love for one self that anything less is unacceptable. I don’t want you to just feel happy but to be happy. I want you to know that I am not an experience, but a lifestyle. And I pray everyday that I can reclaim my place in your life, but that’s all up to you.
I pray that even when, by circumstance, I cannot be around, I am replaced by peace and joy.
I love you.
Written by Kochiwe Mung’omba